Week 1 Ramblings by JR

14 09 2009

Week 1 is always special in the NFL for reasons I’ve already written about, but here’s a bunch more reasons: These are actual events that happened at my pal Fred’s house:

Week 1 NFL: Where getting farted on by one of your buddies happens!Fart

Week 1 NFL: Where lewd, crude, and socially unacceptable text messages happen!funny

Week 1 NFL: Where gorging yourself with any food that can be classified as greasy happens!

"and a diet coke please"

"and a diet coke please"

Week 1 NFL: Where the host of the party does several dances that are simply indescribable, yet make me laugh so hard I nearly blow soda out of my nose the wrong way happens! (By the way, the host does have a name for these dances, but im not sure I can say it on this website)crazy_dance

Week 1 NFL: Where going 0-3 in your fantasy leagues is OK (only for week 1) happens!DEFEAT

Week 1 NFL: Where random Sunday drinking (I was the only guy NOT drinking because of drinks I drank Friday/Saturday) escalates into wanting to wake up a grown man of his mid-50’s for no other reason than to just say, “I woke Dad up” happens!  Brian, I’m not sure your Mom would have saved you there.fat-guy

Yupp, these are the guys I watched football with this Sunday. Here’s a few more random thoughts about yesterday, (and even some actual sports talk in there as well):

The Eagles totally shocked me. I felt like “Ron Burgundy” in “Anchorman” where he thinks his dog, “Baxter” ate a whole wheel of cheese and burgundy-and-baxterthen pooped in the fridge. I was just so pleasantly surprised. And the funny thing is, the offense was substandard for the most part. They only mustered 267 total yards. Wild………The Bengals disappoint me every year so bad. I always think they can be good, and then they lose by 1 at home to a totally inept team (and quarterback)………I knew Antonio Bryant was a fraud. Why did I get sucked in and draft him to 2 of 3 of my fantasy teams. I obviously had the same fantasy beer goggles on that Jack Black had on in “Shallow Hal.”shallow_hal Fantasy beer goggles…..I love it. Let’s define it: Adj def: when a player looks intermittently better on paper than actual real life, and gives off the illusion of fantasy beauty by occasionally tricking us with shining moments.  Usually an average player at best anyway, but the season before runs off a big year that’s a big aberration. Done and done………..Once again I have amazed myself. I DVR’d “One Tree Hill.” Feel free to comment on this in the below area and question me/call me out. Can’t promise I’ll have an answer. I guarantee though, that all the male readers out there have a show they won’t tell anyone about. Here’s this week’s “High Fidelity” Top 5 list. Top 5 list of potential shows geared toward females that males watch:

1.) One Tree Hill, 2.) The Bachelor, 3.) 90210, 4.) The Hills, 5.) Desperate Housewives

jeff-garcia-wife-carmella-decesare

Apparently if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...it marries a smokin hot Playboy Playmate while you attempt suicide and get exiled to Buffalo.

Great sweep by the Phillies on Sunday. Pedro pulled out a vintage performance where he threw more pitches than he’s thrown in 10 years, and more pitches than Adam Eaton has thrown all year. Injury report to come soon……Kyle Kendrick summoned his 2007 clone and threw a beauty as well. I needed a clone of my 2003 self this weekend to deal with all of the “Jager Bombs” i downed………Ryan Madson has blown 6 saves in 14 trys. Lidge 10 in 39. Why hasn’t Brett Myers even gotten one save chance yet????? Jeff Garcia is back, and hopefully his wife came back, too. In a span of two years we’ve had Anna Benson and Carmella DeCesare. What a run for hot athlete wives in Philadelphia…..College football was awesome this weekend (other than the fact that Notre Dame crushed me, and FAU was off this weekend)…..GREAT GREAT USC vs. OSU game……

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15 09 2009
JR

JR’s note: I’ve gotten several emails asking me why I forgot about Kendra (Hank Basketts new wife, and former playboy playmate and star of “The Girls Next Door.” here’s my answer: I didn’t forget. She’s not hot! And also, anyone that dated Hugh Hefner In his late 70’s no doubt has 1.) mental issues, and 2.) a 97% chance of having some kind of STD.

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