2008 MLB All-Suck Team

7 09 2008

by Kevin Collins

Adam Eaton is an anchor in the All-Suck Team's rotation

Adam Eaton is an anchor in the All-Suck Team's rotation

With the season winding down and some players already starting to pack it in, I’ve decided to come up with an anti-All*Star team.  This team is comprised of a player at each position, who has just absolutely sucked this year.  They may not be the worst at their position, but they should be so much better.  These players have all started more games at their position for their respective teams than any other member of their team.  Because I compiled the team this way, So Taguchi didn’t quite make the cut.  But I think I may bring him on as the bat boy.  So let’s get to the team.  I warn you, some of the stats you are about to see are pretty shocking.  It is not for the faint of heart baseball fan.

Cather: Carlos Ruiz (Phillies)
.221 AVG 3 HR 22 RBI – it’s hard to believe he has only grounded into 12 double plays this year.

First Base: Paul Konerko (White Sox)

.239 AVG 14 HR 37 RBI – if Konerko was hitting anywhere near his lifetime AVG of .278, there wouldn’t be a race in the AL Central.

Second Base: Tadahito Iguchi (Padres)

.231 AVG 2 HR 24 RBI – As I’m writing this, I find out that Taddy has resigned with the Phillies.  He is on the All-Suck team because he was a starter for the majority of the year at second for San Diego…and, well – sucked!

Third Base: Scott Rolen (Blue Jays)

.250 AVG 8 HR 39 RBI – Scott’s career is slowly and painfully (for him) coming to an end.  It’s a real shame too – now that I’m over my distain for him.  He was the best Phillies third baseman I have ever seen.

Short Stop: Khalil Greene (Padres)

.213 AVG 10 HR 35 RBI – Best first name in all of baseball – but he sure is terrible.  He will never regain his form from a few years back.  And I know what you’re thinking, but stop – leave Omar Visquel and his sub 200 average alone…he’s older than freakin’ John McCain.

Outfield: Austin Kearns (Nationals)
.217 AVG 7 HR  32 RBI – Kearns is a lifetime .260 hitter who averages about 20 homers a year.  He hit a series skid in 2008.

Outfield: Corey Patterson (Reds)
.202 AVG 8 HR 26 RBI  13 SB – this is a guy that stole 45 bases and hit .298 one year.  I don’t know why he still has a major league starting position.

Outfield: Jeff Francoeur (Braves)

.231 AVG 11 HR 63 RBI – the clean-up hitter in our lineup!  Jeff has really struggled in 2008.  This is a guy who averages about .270 with 20 dingers a year.  In 2008 he was sent down to AA to get his act together…don’t think it really worked.

DH: Gary Sheffield (Tigers)
.228 AVG 14 HR 45 RBI – Retire Gary, and wait a few years for Cooperstown.

Pitching Staff

SP: Brad Penny (Dodgers)
6-9 ERA 6.06 – Brad sure doesn’t look like the same pitcher who finished third in the Cy Young voting last year.  Probably just a down year for the righty.

SP: Nate Robertson (Tigers)
7-10 ERA 6.30 – One of the many reasons Detroit’s season has turned out the way it has.

SP Adam Eaton: (Phillies)
4-8 ERA 5.80 – He’s awful, just awful…and making 8 million dollars for sucking at his job.  What a country
.
SP: Garrett Olsen (Orioles)
8-7 ERA 6.53 – Who?  Garret Olsen has been a stating pitcher for Baltimore for the past two seasons.  Since then, he has compiled a lifetime ERA of 6.81.  The kid’s only 24, so maybe one day he can get that ERA down to 5.00.

SP: Carlos Silva (Mariners)

4-14 ERA 6.53 – How does he live with himself?  He is the captain of the All-Suck Team.

SU: Aaron Heilman (Mets)
3-8 ERA 5.23 – My favorite relief pitcher!  It’s a shame I had to degrade him even more my putting him on the All-Suck Team – he just blows. (hooray pun!)

CL: CJ Wilson (Rangers)
2-2 24 SV 6.02 ERA – How can a major league closer have an ERA above 6?  This baffles me.

So there you have it.  My 2008 All-Suck team.  Did I miss anyone?  Do have anyone else better?  I’m willing to update the team.

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7 responses

5 09 2008
Michael DeLuca

What a great article. I’m assuming we’re considering “suck” to be performance vs. expectations. If so, here’s a couple suggestions.

C – Victor Martinez – .272 1 HR
1B – Travis Hafner – 3217 4 HR
2B – Aaron Hill – .263 2 HR 4 SB
SS – Gotta agree with Greene, but Tulo’s not far behind.
3B – Rolen all the way.
OF – Eric Byrnes – .209 6 HR 4 SB
OF – Melky Carbrera – .242 8 HR 9 SB
OF – Francoeur

SP – Aaron Harang – 4 Wins 15 Losses 5.24 ERA

5 09 2008
Kevin Collins

I looked at Byrnes, but felt bad because he has been hurt for a while this year. Melky was my 4th outfielder and just missed the cut.

As for pitchers, I looked at ERA more so than Win-Loss…I didn’t catch what a terrible winning % Harang has.

7 09 2008
Zach Harper

No Andruw Jones?

7 09 2008
Brandon

please put So Taguchi on there. The last Philadelphia athlete I hated as much as this man was Mike McMahon. I have never seen a person who was an automatic, unquestionable out in the lineup as well as a defensive liability. We only have him to pinch run – why not get Bolt from the Jamaican track team if that’s the case?

8 09 2008
Michael DeLuca

Good point Zach, but really Jones sucked last year and just got a ridiculous and inexplicable contract from theDodgers.

9 09 2008
DCM

Most of my fantasy baseball team can qualify for this, but some of the better ones:

P – Jason Bergmann, Nats: 2-11, ERA 5.23, WHIP 1.44
P – Daniel Cabrera, O’s: 8-9, ERA 5.26, WHIP 1.59

13 11 2008
Ahmnodt Heare

No suck team could be complete without Scott Schoeneweis.

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